MIND THE GAP!

 If you have ever been to England, and have ridden on the underground, you will have seen and heard that phrase. “Mind the Gap” The warning that is on the walls and trains of the underground in England is to “mind” or be aware of the distance or gap between train station platform and the door of the train.  This warning is posted to ensure people’s safety, to make sure THAT NO ONE FALLS INTO AND GETS CAUGHT in the gap.  However, that is not the gap that this post is about.
 

The gap I want to write about in this post depicts a life-truth that warrants just as much attention. Just as you must attend to the gap beside the train station platform, you must attend to this gap. If you do, you will save yourself lots of grief.  This is a life-truth I first heard about from a very wise pastor named Leon Van Daele.  He did not entitle this truth “mind the gap”, but I am.  The gap that I am writing about is the gap between expectation and reality.  My post is an attempt to ensure your safety so that you do not get caught in this gap.

Let’s call this line expectation    __________________________________

                                                                GAP = Frustration
 Let’s call this line reality             ______________________________

        

The gap between our expectations and reality is frustration.  This truth is obvious, but it is very profound.  Now I know through the years I’ve been pretty dense about some things.  However when I heard this truth, and I began to look around, I quickly realized how important this truth is.  I don’t know about anyone else, but at least in my life I have expectations that are all too often unspoken. And quite often I find myself falling into disappointment because my expectations and the reality of what happens are different. Standing in the gap between my expectations and reality, I am full of frustration. This has been a source of pain, embarrassment and hurt.  Sometimes those pains, embarrassments and hurts were not mine; they were the pain, embarrassment and hurt of those people that were around me.  It is my hope that sharing this truth about the difference between expectation and reality will cause people to reexamine their expectations, and bring those expectations closer to reality.
 

My wife and I have often counseled married couples as well as those planning to get married. One of the very first things that we try to share with people is this very truth: "Mind the Gap”.  It is extremely important to bring expectations as close as possible to reality.  My best suggestion for how to close this gap is to eliminate unspoken expectations with clear communication. Let me give you an illustration.
 

Perhaps a young wife has an expectation that her new husband will show his love for her by bringing her flowers regularly. She believes that if he loves her, she will not have to say anything to him --  he will just show up, surprising her at least once a month with flowers. The husband does not bring her flowers. He does not even know she expects flowers. For the wife, there is a huge gap between her expectations and her reality. Of course she “falls into the gap” and quickly becomes frustrated and disappointed. It won’t take long for the husband to be aware of her frustration…she will grow tense, distant, and irritable. He will find himself walking on eggshells and he won’t know why. His expectation is that his bride will be sweet and loving and open. There will be a huge gap between his expectation and his reality, as well. He will also be filled with disappointment and frustration. What do they do?
 

The answer for this couple is for them to “mind that gap”. They must start talking about their expectations. They must listen to their spouse’s expectations. If the expectations are unrealistic, the expectations must be changed. It is unrealistic for the wife to expect that her husband will "just know" that she wants him to bring her flowers; and because he did not bring them, that she is feeling "unloved".  The wife needs to say out loud, “I want you to bring me flowers. It makes me feel loved. I would like you to surprise me with them every so often.” Then he has the opportunity to meet this expectation and to make the gap between her expectation and her reality disappear.  When he does, her frustration will disappear.
 

In this example, which is an easy one, making the adjustment between expectations and reality was simple. Sometimes in life, the expectation and reality gap is more difficult to adjust. Sometimes we are not even aware of our own expectations until the realities of life kick us into this gap. There are some expectations that cannot be met. Sometimes in life we cannot have what we want, and what we expect when we want it. Sometimes we cannot have it at all. There are some frustrations of life which we can do little about.  However, if you mind the gap between expectations and reality as often as you can, you have a better chance of lowering the frustration level in your life. Often it helps to spend some time examining your own heart to find out what your unspoken expectations are. That is one key way to “know yourself”. You may not be able to get what you want, but finding that your expectation was perhaps unrealistic, will bring you closer to reality and close that gap, eliminating some or all of the attendant frustration.  Knowing yourself and being yourself is made easier when you close this frustration gap between expectations and reality.  Communication problems are only one of the places that this gap can be found. Do your best to identify what your expectations are, and what is expected of you -- not just in communication but in all areas of your life.  Continually striving to know yourself and be yourself is, actually, part of closing the gap between real life and expectations ~ spoken and unspoken.
 

One other problem with this gap…the gap does not stay empty.  I know in my life many of the gaps of frustration have been filled with all sorts of negative thoughts and self talk.  That’ll be another life lesson.  For now “MIND THE GAP”