OF TWO MINDS

I really am of two minds about some things. For example I am of two minds about seeing the Rose Bowl Parade. Part of me thinks I should watch it on TV; part of me thinks I should go to Pasadena on New Year’s Day and see it live. Watching on TV leaves you at the mercy of the producers of the show who only let you see what they want you to see. Going to the parade is very different, and while you get to see it up close and personal, you are at the mercy of the crowds. Neither option worked very well. A few years ago, a friend of mine worked in an office overlooking the parade route. I was given a solution that was better than either other option. The office was large enough to accommodate 30 of us easily.  We watched the parade from the beginning, to the end.  The view overlooking Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena, California was clear on that crisp and bright January 1st morning.  We had all kinds of fun things for the kids to do and all kinds of goodies to eat.  We didn’t have to elbow our way through the crowds of people who had been there all night, or fight to use one of those little green rooms when we needed to go into the restroom.  We had prearranged parking in a parking garage next to the office building we occupied.  We had three or four televisions set up so we could watch the instant replays of all the parade’s bands and floats.  All in all, this was not a bad way to have watched the Rose Bowl Parade that fine January morning.  This new option changed my thinking about the parade completely.

Sometime when I am trying to know myself better, and to thereby become a “better me” I encounter an issue inside myself that needs to be changed. One of those issues for me is negative thinking and negative self-talk. Negative thinking is pretty obvious – it is all the ‘life is horrible and everything is bad’ thinking I might have on any given bad day. Negative self-talk is where I say or think in a dialog to myself all the negative things that, really, only my worst enemy might say to me: “You are such a dummy!” when I have made a mistake. “I can’t learn this; I’ll never get it!” when I encounter a new challenge. The real problem is that I don’t mean to, but I find I come to believe much of this negative thought and dialog. It cuts me off from any type of creativity and cancels all hope.

Sometimes I have two minds about negative thoughts:  On one side I want to dig into the roots of my thinking and come to understand where the thoughts come from and why I have them.  On the other side, I want to bury these negative feelings, and hide them even from myself, as if I could get rid of them that way.

So one day I might be consumed with questions:  Where do these thoughts come from and what should I do with them?  I have spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why I felt so negative about some things…  What does it mean? What does it mean about me?  Why do I feel this way?  There seem to be an endless number of questions that I could ask myself about my own negative thoughts or about the negative way I feel about myself and about other people.  I can dig into and try to discover the causes, hurts and rejections or disappointments that have given me these negative thoughts and feelings.  In the end what I have discovered living on the “why” side is that I am paralyzed by asking these questions and trying to dig through and find causes.  Most of the time finding the cause didn’t change the negative feelings, or negative self talk. 

While I do not want to spend all my time digging into why I have negative thoughts, neither do I want to merely compartmentalize, and lock away the feelings and act as if they’re not there. The only other option when I want to stop digging for answers about all the questions is to just get rid of the negativity by burying it all. So on the other side, I stuff all those emotions deep inside, plaster on a smile and hope the thoughts and self-talk will simply decay down in the dark where I box them deep inside of me. You guessed it! This doesn’t work either. Sooner or later, all that stuffed emotion comes erupting out like dark lava on me, and unfortunately on those people in my life that I love.  

I have spent far too long having two minds about this negativity…and neither options has worked.

Being of two minds about something isn’t always a good thing, in fact it is called being “double minded’. There is a completely different path to take: I can retrain my thinking so I have different thoughts. Great you say, just how does one do that?  It’s not as complicated as it sounds, however it can be hard work.  If you’re used to thinking of yourself in a particular way and acting in a particular way even if it is self destructive, I find that the old habits will keep you stuck. You can neither understand them enough nor bury them deeply enough to bring real change. That is what we all want ~ real and lasting change. As I share my thoughts about negative thinking, and how to retrain those thinking habits I hope that some of you that read this, and change the habits that are negative and that hold back your personal creativity.

The solution is neither instant nor easy. In a nutshell getting rid of your negativity requires you to keep a log for between 22 to 30 days. The log should be divided into different columns. One column would be titled: My Negative Thought. Another would be: How I Feel. A third column is The New Thoughts. As you become aware that you are entertaining negative thoughts or self-talk, you record the thoughts and your emotions, Then you consciously rework the thought, making it new in the third column. This third column is where the real work is done; this is where you effect change. In this column you transform the negative thought into positive thought. Here is a simple example: 

Negative Thought: I can’t learn this.

How I Feel: I feel frustrated, angry and stupid.

The New Thought: I can learn this new process. I am not stupid. I have learned harder things than this. I can do it.

If this process is followed, negative thought is not merely understood, nor is it buried … the negative thinking changes. You are creating a new habit of thinking in a positive manner. For it to become habit, you must do the work. What you will end up with is a new mind. By turning the negative thoughts into challenges, deep in our mind, we are recognizing them as opportunities not as problems.  I have recently been studying about people’s preferences in thinking and in their behaviors (that is whether they are right brain oriented or left brain oriented; whether they are introverted or extroverted and so on.) I found through my studies both on the Internet and through a course I took that it is possible to retrain your thinking. This course of action really does work. Of course you have many thoughts and perhaps years of habitual negative thinking. You will have to do this again and again for a while, but soon…sooner than you expect, you will be positive, not negative.

 I look forward to hearing from those of you who take this challenge and began to change your negativity.  If you would like more information, please contact me through the blog. 

MIND THE GAP!

 If you have ever been to England, and have ridden on the underground, you will have seen and heard that phrase. “Mind the Gap” The warning that is on the walls and trains of the underground in England is to “mind” or be aware of the distance or gap between train station platform and the door of the train.  This warning is posted to ensure people’s safety, to make sure THAT NO ONE FALLS INTO AND GETS CAUGHT in the gap.  However, that is not the gap that this post is about.
 

The gap I want to write about in this post depicts a life-truth that warrants just as much attention. Just as you must attend to the gap beside the train station platform, you must attend to this gap. If you do, you will save yourself lots of grief.  This is a life-truth I first heard about from a very wise pastor named Leon Van Daele.  He did not entitle this truth “mind the gap”, but I am.  The gap that I am writing about is the gap between expectation and reality.  My post is an attempt to ensure your safety so that you do not get caught in this gap.

Let’s call this line expectation    __________________________________

                                                                GAP = Frustration
 Let’s call this line reality             ______________________________

        

The gap between our expectations and reality is frustration.  This truth is obvious, but it is very profound.  Now I know through the years I’ve been pretty dense about some things.  However when I heard this truth, and I began to look around, I quickly realized how important this truth is.  I don’t know about anyone else, but at least in my life I have expectations that are all too often unspoken. And quite often I find myself falling into disappointment because my expectations and the reality of what happens are different. Standing in the gap between my expectations and reality, I am full of frustration. This has been a source of pain, embarrassment and hurt.  Sometimes those pains, embarrassments and hurts were not mine; they were the pain, embarrassment and hurt of those people that were around me.  It is my hope that sharing this truth about the difference between expectation and reality will cause people to reexamine their expectations, and bring those expectations closer to reality.
 

My wife and I have often counseled married couples as well as those planning to get married. One of the very first things that we try to share with people is this very truth: "Mind the Gap”.  It is extremely important to bring expectations as close as possible to reality.  My best suggestion for how to close this gap is to eliminate unspoken expectations with clear communication. Let me give you an illustration.
 

Perhaps a young wife has an expectation that her new husband will show his love for her by bringing her flowers regularly. She believes that if he loves her, she will not have to say anything to him --  he will just show up, surprising her at least once a month with flowers. The husband does not bring her flowers. He does not even know she expects flowers. For the wife, there is a huge gap between her expectations and her reality. Of course she “falls into the gap” and quickly becomes frustrated and disappointed. It won’t take long for the husband to be aware of her frustration…she will grow tense, distant, and irritable. He will find himself walking on eggshells and he won’t know why. His expectation is that his bride will be sweet and loving and open. There will be a huge gap between his expectation and his reality, as well. He will also be filled with disappointment and frustration. What do they do?
 

The answer for this couple is for them to “mind that gap”. They must start talking about their expectations. They must listen to their spouse’s expectations. If the expectations are unrealistic, the expectations must be changed. It is unrealistic for the wife to expect that her husband will "just know" that she wants him to bring her flowers; and because he did not bring them, that she is feeling "unloved".  The wife needs to say out loud, “I want you to bring me flowers. It makes me feel loved. I would like you to surprise me with them every so often.” Then he has the opportunity to meet this expectation and to make the gap between her expectation and her reality disappear.  When he does, her frustration will disappear.
 

In this example, which is an easy one, making the adjustment between expectations and reality was simple. Sometimes in life, the expectation and reality gap is more difficult to adjust. Sometimes we are not even aware of our own expectations until the realities of life kick us into this gap. There are some expectations that cannot be met. Sometimes in life we cannot have what we want, and what we expect when we want it. Sometimes we cannot have it at all. There are some frustrations of life which we can do little about.  However, if you mind the gap between expectations and reality as often as you can, you have a better chance of lowering the frustration level in your life. Often it helps to spend some time examining your own heart to find out what your unspoken expectations are. That is one key way to “know yourself”. You may not be able to get what you want, but finding that your expectation was perhaps unrealistic, will bring you closer to reality and close that gap, eliminating some or all of the attendant frustration.  Knowing yourself and being yourself is made easier when you close this frustration gap between expectations and reality.  Communication problems are only one of the places that this gap can be found. Do your best to identify what your expectations are, and what is expected of you -- not just in communication but in all areas of your life.  Continually striving to know yourself and be yourself is, actually, part of closing the gap between real life and expectations ~ spoken and unspoken.
 

One other problem with this gap…the gap does not stay empty.  I know in my life many of the gaps of frustration have been filled with all sorts of negative thoughts and self talk.  That’ll be another life lesson.  For now “MIND THE GAP”

Definitions

As we begin to ask important life questions, I have found that it is vital to share common definitions. I believe that without good definitions and a common understanding of the words that you’re using, your questions will be answered incorrectly or you will be answering the wrong questions. Having the right definition and understanding the common language that you and your friends speak is helpful, but is not the whole solution. It is also important to understand the context of the question and the answer given.  

 Let’s examine this question "What is the meaning of life?"  Inside of this question I see several other questions.  First of all let's consider the word "meaning". The word "meaning" is a commonly used word and therefore it might be assumed that it will be commonly understood by everyone. However, there are many definitions for this word and it has a variety of connotations. And when we ask what is the meaning of life, we have to decide if we are considering a context that is physical, metaphysical, psychological, spiritual, philosophical, social etc. Asking this question is not as simple as it might seem at first.

Although there are rhetorical questions, most of the time when people asks questions they want answers, answers that are clear and easy to understand. Asking questions, and answering questions so that the questions and the answers are clearly understood is a really big challenge. Yet, it is a challenge worth the effort. It is worth the time, and what ever effort it might take to consider what you mean in each question you ask. It is worth the thought, it is worth taking apart your words and getting all the way to the roots of your language and your ideas.

The life lesson here: Definitions are important!!! They frame our life.

The Meaning of Life

Simple question: What is the meaning of life? Shouldn't there be a simple answer?...But there isn't. And people keep asking. The problem is there isn't one answer because none of us are the same. All the millions and billions of humans that have ever lived are different and unique. There may be similarities but no two people are exactly the same. Therefore, if you want to know the meaning of life you have to nosce te ipsum: know yourself.Once you know yourself you can es te ipsum: be yourself; and your life can have meaning. 

In order to know yourself you have to ask a lot of big questions. Knowing yourself is like a journey. The stops on the way and the scenery as you explore are just as important~or maybe more important~than the destination. 

This blog will try and tackle some of those big life questions. My hope is to share life experiences, triumphs and trials, from my own journey. I also hope to give some lenses to help you see yourself and your relationship to the world more clearly.  

Feel free to ask questions, bring up topics, join the discussion, and let's enjoy discovering the meaning of life together!!